dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
