i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
