I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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