he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
