then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
