i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
