I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
