I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
