I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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