if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude i'm inner monologue high
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
