Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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