Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
