Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
