im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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