my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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