I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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