my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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