When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
