I just threw up on my dentist
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
