WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
