I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
wow bdsm is so cute
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
