She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
