which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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