why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
