I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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