i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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