So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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