My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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