it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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