In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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