I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My life is pants optional.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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