it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
