You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
