If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
