From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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