I'm gonna have a badass scar
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
