all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
