my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
