Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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