Duck Duck Cougar?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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