Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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