I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
