...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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