Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
