dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
