I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
