does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
