Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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