It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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