i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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