Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
