Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
