Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
