Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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