why didn't you poke me back
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
