I didn't shave. On purpose
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
